Michael~~~~~

Today, the world has lost an icon. Michael Jackson has passed away at the age of 50.

He was my idol up till the time he started touching little boys. Even then, I still enjoyed listening to his music.

It doesn't feel like much if you don't think about it. But when the name actually echoes in your mind, you suddenly realise, "He's dead?". Then you feel the loss, however minute it is, it is felt. For someone, who a large majority of us have probably never had personal contact with (thank god) or even seen in person, to be able to induce that ounce of feeling of loss or realization is just remarkable.

I am fairly distraught. Michael~~~~~~ *wail*

Disappointment Stings

It really does. Especially when there's nothing to blame the cause of it on.

I took my GMAT today. And while I did as expected for the quantitative portion, I totally screwed up my verbal section. I just did not focus enough. My mind was wandering to every little thing here and there. I wasn't reading the questions right and had to re-read them more than once on several occasions. I was too unsure of my answers half the time and spent too much time dwelling on each question. I wasn't practicing what I had practiced during those practice tests.

I think what stings just as bad is the self-doubt. Perhaps I am only that good?

Makes a person want to give up and throw in the towel and forget it all when that kind of self-doubt comes bubbling up. Why not get a desk job and stop pushing yourself so hard? That sounds very tempting right about now.

I am getting myself into B-school one way or another. I'll take one more shot at the GMAT. One more shot.

The Morning

The morning began rather oddly. It started with a weird dream of being bottom half naked standing in the lift lobby at S's block. No clue if that meant anything but my guess is that if it did, it would probably symbolise some insecurity I have. For now, I'm quite happy to leave it as something funny.

The beauty of being on a long break is that I get to wake up on a cool morning with less care in the world and catch that little window of serenity that occurs just before the rest of the world stirs. Sometime 6-ish, before 7. And, that cool little breeze that passes by each morning is quite literally a breath of fresh air, refreshing while it wafts up my nostrils as I take it in and all of my surroundings with it.

sorry, obviously my vocab is not very good. :p

Anyhow, I digress. Back to the odd morning.

Was at the doctor's for a medical screening first thing after I had washed up. And after giving some blood, urine and stool sample, talking to the doc about health and cholesterol levels, i head to the coffee shop next door. and yes, proceeded to fill myself with a bowl of fat laden, sodium infused noodles. the irony.

and ohyes, i washed the noodles down with a cup of teh-si. this after hearing the doc's advice on the unhealthy aspects of coffee shop drinks. im my defense, he was talking about condensed milk and about coffee. teh-si is tea. with evaporated milk and sugar.

i am incorrigible i know. :p

and i had dessert, a puff thingy with chocolate filling. for breakfast.

~ . ~

just saw michelle chia on the telly. she was hosting a foodie show on location in geylang, singapore's red light district. she has a lively and bubbly style of hosting. like most sgporean/hk/taiwanese tv show hosts. i find it alittle pretentious but i have nothing against it.

only thing was, she was wearing a tight, form fitting t-shirt that had the words "Année Erotique" printed across the front.

how do the producers expect people to concentrate on the food with that bouncing all over the screen?!?!

anyhow, "Année Erotique" translates to "Erotic Year" in case some of you are not aware. and it is the title of a song too. the lyrics.....go search. im not about to post them here. it is in french by the way.

Revelations

Following my previous post on finding a hobby and in comparing the main theme, or lack thereof, of my blog, I realise that unlike some others, I currently do not have a certain....interest in my life. Some enjoy fishing and devote much time on it finding out about where are the good fishing spots, what is good bait, fishing techniques, etc. Others make blogging their main interest e.g. xiaxue, mrbrown.

im quite sure with the mention of those names, if someone were to google either names, this blog would pop up somewhere now. back to the main point....

but looking back, i find that i do have interests and hobbies. just that i've given up or stopped on most of them. largely due to either a short attention span or the choice to devote my time on so called "personal development". in doing so, i've forgotten that hobbies and interests make for development too and that i've emphasized too much on building a career and furthering my studies.

most of all, while studying for my GMAT the other day at S's place, I came to the realisation that I had forgotten the most important thing about living and developing myself - to have fun in the process.

i've set goals in my life in the hope of attaining them. but whilst i've told myself time and again, and even said it to my sister during one of our arguments, the process counts as much as the end point, i've forgotten to actively make sure i enjoy this ride regardless of its destination. bcos ultimately the journey dictates the destination just as the desire of the destination dictates the beginning of that journey.

i need to stop reflecting so much too. im doing too much of it now for my own liking. problem with all this reflection is that it goes round in circles and a person can get caught up doing just that, going round in circles, and end up not doing anything at all.

8 Days

I need a hobby. I realise I do not have any right now to the extent that I'm getting too focused on certain things. It's not healthy. I need something new.

In 8 days I will get me one. For now, focus.

A Matter of Weight?

i realise there's a whole bunch of draft posts in this blog that i've become too lazy to finish up on. partly because they were started in states of high emotional activity that fizzled out in a few days leaving behind not much motivation to finish. so in this post, i am going to attempt to finish it in 10 mins. starting 5 mins ago.....crap.

i was on the train with S and two french classmates the other day heading back home after french lessons. the two classmates are younger in age compared to S and I. they are full time students too while S and I are not so proud members of the singapore workforce.

what occurred to S and I, while chatting with them, was how much energy and how little care they seemed to have. one is a bubbly 21 yr old girl, easily excitable and full of awe and bursting exuberance and openess about her behaviour and life. the other is a 25 yr old fresh grad male looking to further his studies. and likewise had the energy to chat with our bubbly friend and a certain lack of worry or care in the world.

I would give anything to be in their shoes honestly. to be in that carefree, unrestrained state of mind. not having to wonder what others think of me or how my actions have to be considered because so many factors, perhaps self imposed ones, weigh in on the decisions i make in my life.

is this due to emotional baggage? age? a lack of emotional strength and fibre? or perhaps all this is just a feeling of enviousness. that the grass is always greener on the other side?

alright so i took 15 mins. at least im posting. :)

A Matter of Preference

This is hilarious.

Life in General

I think this is how life is in general. In many aspects. Comes from having an engineering background.




bloody blogger picture upload tool. took me 15 mins to put this pic up bcos the thing refused to align correctly on the blog. and in the end i had to code the html myself.

that last bit came from being an engineer too.

Edit:
Just in case, that waveform up there is call a sine wave. regardless of its inherent scientific properties, the main idea to take back is its shape and how it swings from one end to another.

i would say tho, that the amplitude doesn't stay the same all the time. sometimes it swings wider. generally, i think it tapers and reduces over time though i don't think it ever flattens.